


All You Sinners Stand Up (Sing Hallelujah)

by elphaba_swan



Category: Descendants (Disney Movies), Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie, The Little Mermaid - All Media Types
Genre: Bets & Wagers, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Gen, Swearing, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 01:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15183623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elphaba_swan/pseuds/elphaba_swan
Summary: In which Harry and Uma make a crazy-ass bet, Gil eats some crab surprise, and everyone else wonders whether Uma and Harry are just completely unaware of the fact that “best friends” don’t constantly flirt with each other or whether they’re just idiots.





	All You Sinners Stand Up (Sing Hallelujah)

“No fucking way!”

“Yes fucking way,” Harry counters, slapping Gil on the back. “You can do it, can’t you mate?”

Gil shrugs and gives a guileless grin. “Sure, how hard can it be?”

“You’re talking about eating month-old crab surprise,” Uma retorts, crossing her arms. “Even the hyenas don’t touch that shit.”

Harry leers at her. “Are you saying you have no faith in Gil?”

Uma rolls her eyes. “Don’t try to twist my words Hook. All I’m saying is that he’s gonna die if he eats it. No offense Gil.”

“None taken,” Gil pops an egg in his mouth and chews contentedly.

“Well, I have a little more faith in our dear second mate than you do …” Harry gives her a shark-like grin. “Care for a little wager, love?”

Uma raises an eyebrow as Ashe, who’s been inhaling her food all this time and not been paying attention to any of them, finally starts to take notice of them. “Bet? What bet?”

“Harry wants to bet that Gil can eat his way through all the month-old crab surprise,” Uma says, not taking her eyes off of Harry’s smirk. “And I think that he’s going to throw it all up before he gets through half of it.”

“Oh, do not take that bet, sweetheart,” Ashe shakes her head. “That Gaston stomach is made of steel.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Gil muses, and Ashe winks at him.

“But month-old crab surprise?” Sierra twists her head over to them from where she’s sitting with Bonnie and Desiree. “That stuff is hard to get down even when it’s fresh.”

“Don’t tell Cook that,” Bonnie laughs. “Or you’ll be stomaching cold catfish-eye soup for three months.”

Everyone at the table takes a moment to shudder at the thought of the slimy liquid and slippery eyeballs.

“Don’t do it,” Desiree warns Uma, who’s still in an intense stare-off with Harry.

“Do it.” Jonas slides in next to his sister. “What are we talking about?”

“Harry and Uma are about to make a bet over whether or not Gil can eat all the month-old crab surprise in the Shoppe.”

Jonas considers this. “What are the terms? There have to be terms.”

A wicked gleam sparks in Harry’s eyes. “Tattoos.”

The entire table lets out a collective “Ohhh …” and Uma leans forward. “Go on.”

“Loser has to get a tattoo. Winner picks what it is and where it goes.”

Bonnie lets out a low whistle and Desiree shakes her head vigorously. “This is _so_ not worth it—”

But Uma is already reaching across the table to shake Harry’s hand. “You’re on.” Her smile turns predatory. “You’re going to look so cute with PROPERTY OF UMA tattooed on your forehead.”

Harry cringes and Uma laughs evilly as Ashe snickers and Sierra rolls her eyes. “Yeah, this is totally not going to backfire.”

 

*****

 

“Prepared to lose tragically?” Uma challenges.

“Are you ready to be proven dead wrong?” Harry shoots back.

“I feel like their trash talk would be way more effective if Uma wasn’t practically sitting in Harry’s lap,” Marya mutters to Gonzo, who snickers.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Desiree asks worriedly as Gil stuffs a napkin down the front of his shirt like a bib.

“I’ll be fine,” Gil replies dismissively and then calls, “Bring out the crab!”

 

*****

 

“You know, there’s no shame in dropping out,” Harry whispers into Uma’s ear. She’s given up all pretense and is just sitting in his lap at this point. Gil is on his fifth helping of crab surprise, and has given up using utensils, so his hands are slippery with grease.

Uma snorts and the sound reverberates in Harry’s chest. “In your dreams. I have plenty of time.”

Gil pauses from eating and bellows, “MUSTARD!”

“How the fuck did I get stuck doing this?” Ashe grouses as she hurries forward and squeezes out half the bottle of mustard over the plate before slamming the bottle down on the table.

“As I recall,” Sierra says lazily from where she’s lounging back on her chair, “you said that you wanted a front-row seat to all the action.”

“I didn’t mean I wanted to do manual labor,” Ashe snarls as Gil starts devouring his sixth plate.

“Oh well,” Sierra smirks at her and Ashe flings a knife at her, which Sierra lazily dodges.

“If you spill blood on my floors, you’re cleaning it up!” Uma calls.

“Goddamn it!”

 

*****

 

“Are we sure they’re not fucking?” Bonnie asks in an undertone to Desiree.

Desiree looks over at where Harry is sprawled out on Uma’s throne; his arms securely around her waist as he chats with Claudine Frollo.

“I don’t even know with them anymore.”

“If he’s having sex with Uma, then that pirate bitch is going to die.” Jonas says matter-of-factly, tipping his tequila back.

Bonnie rolls her eyes and Desiree gives her brother a disgusted look. “You were doing far worse at their age.”

“Exactly! Men are pigs.” Jonas smirks at her. “That’s why I’m so happy that you’re a lesbian.”

“You do remember that biologically, I do have a dick, right?”

“Semantics, sister dear …”

Meanwhile, Claudine, Harry, and Uma were watching Gil eat his eleventh plate of crab surprise.

“This is so gross,” Claudine says with wide eyes as Gil lets out a guttural belch and then continues eating.

“You have no idea,” Uma murmurs, watching queasily as Gil uses his now filthy bib to wipe his chin.

Harry gives her a cocky grin. “Ready to admit defeat, darling?”

“Hardly,” Uma scoffs. “I’ll admit, he has lasted longer than I thought he would, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get tired.”

“Aren’t you guys worried that he might get food poisoning?” Claudine asks, eyeing Gil worriedly.

“Don’t worry, Claud,” Gil calls over cheerfully. “Gaston’s don’t get sick.”

Claudine looks panicked. “That doesn’t mean _anything_ —”

“Oh, I know,” Uma replies breezily. “That’s why we have Bonnie on standby.”

Bonnie raises her hand. “I have coconut water, juice, and a bucket.”

“I won’t need any of that,” Gil says dismissively. “Bring out the next plate!”

 

*****

 

“Hey bud, how’re you doing?”

Gil looks up from his plate at Uma. Uma has a bright smile on her face, but he knows better than to trust it. Uma hates smiling.

“Why?” He asks, crossing his arms and trying to stare her down.

Uma just continues to smile down at him, but her eyes glimmer dangerously and Gil has to look away. (Damn it, he doesn’t even know why he tries anymore.)

“Just curious,” she leans down and lowers her voice. “I was also wondering—”

“Aha!” Uma jumps back and Gil shovels food into his mouth to avoid the conversation as Harry walks towards the table, pointing dramatically at Uma. “Caught in the act, you cheater!”

“Fuck you!” Uma snaps. “Did I say anything to you, Gil?”

Gil frantically shakes his head and tries to sink down in his chair.

“Oh please, Gil knows better than to cross you,” Harry sneers. “Admit it, you were about to order him to stop eating!”

Uma scowls. “How dare you accuse me of the truth?”

“Ha, you admit it!”

“Of course I admit it, I’m a villain, what do you expect?”

“Okay, no using authority to pressure Gil,” Jonas places a hand on Uma’s shoulder and steers her away. “You have to stay ten feet away from Gil while he eats.”

Uma glares at Harry and shrugs Jonas’s hand off of her shoulder before storming away.

Harry waves mockingly at her before leaning down and whispering to Gil, “I’ll give you all the answers to Yen Sid’s tests for a year if you finish this off-”

“Who’s cheating now?” Uma yells from her throne.

“Alright, the rules apply to you too,” Jonas says sternly, dragging Harry by his collar.

Gil heaves a sigh of relief, but then groans when Harry yells, “Think about it!”

 

*****

 

“You rigged this!”

“Come now, darling,” Harry cannot contain the massive grin on his face, and Uma sourly wonders how it’s possible for Harry to show all of his teeth at once. “How could I have possibly rigged this?”

She flounders for an answer, but then settles for glaring fiercely at him. “I don’t know, but when I find out, your hook is going to be shoved so far up your-”

“I just can’t believe he even ate all the crunchy rot,” Sierra says, eyeing Gil with a mixture of respect and disgust.

Harry claps Gil on the back, making the other boy growl and swat at him listlessly from his prone position on the table. “What can I say? The man’s a legend.”

“ ’M sorry, Uma,” Gil mumbles miserably.

Uma sighs and ruffles his hair. “It’s not your fault,” she levels a glare at Harry. “It’s his.”

Harry blows a kiss at her while Bonnie slides a glass of coconut water over to Gil. “Here. It’ll help with the stomach pain.”

“Cheers, B,” Gil salutes her with the glass, his head still on the table top.

“Now for the good stuff,” Harry levels a wicked glare at Uma. “Tattoos, here we come!”

“Bonnie, kill him.”

 

*****

 

“You suck so much.”

“You enchant me too, baby,” Harry grins salaciously at her and Uma scowls and crosses her arms petulantly.

Despite her best efforts, her plans to assassinate Harry had gone awry. Bonnie had just laughed at her, Ashe had told her solemnly that a bet was a bet, and even though Jonas had been extremely willing, Desiree had forbidden him from killing Harry.

So now she was probably going to be stuck with PROPERTY OF HARRY HOOK as a tramp stamp forever.

Fucking excellent.

The two of them are currently in Harriet’s tattoo parlor right now, in a secluded corner, far away from everyone else (thank the gods). After handing all the materials to Harry, Harriet had patted Uma consolingly on the shoulder before disappearing to scream at a customer who was complaining about the line detail on his tattoo. Right now, Harry is setting up the ink and the tattoo gun, humming “A Pirate’s Life for Me” all the while.

If Uma wasn’t been so pissed off at herself for taking the stupid bet, she would have teased him for being a cliché.

“So,” Harry turns towards her, tattoo gun in hand and a wicked grin on his face. “Ready for your tattoo, my darling?”

Uma groans and pulls her feet out of her combat boots before starting to shimmy her fishnets and shorts down. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

“Wait,” Harry holds up a hand, his eyes wide. “I never thought I’d say this when you took off your clothes in front of me—” (Uma rolls her eyes) “But what the bloody hell are you doing?”

“I’m getting ready for the tattoo,”

“Where do you think you’re getting it? On your arse?” Harry gives her an amused look but leads her to the chair. “Just relax. It’s on your collarbone, so it might hurt a bit.”

Uma just grumbles in response, but then immediately flinches off of the chair when the freezing alcohol gets dabbed on her skin.

Harry raises an eyebrow at her. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” she leans back in the chair, determinedly staring at a corner of the ceiling. “Let’s do this.”

 

*****

 

“You’re humming.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re humming.”

“What? No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are. You’re humming that song about being buried in the ground or some morbid shit like that.”

“ . . . No?”

“Yes, you are. No, don’t stop, it’s cute.”

 

*****

 

“Done.” Harry leans back, a satisfied grin on his face. “Have a look.”

Uma slowly rises up from her chair and peeks at the mirror, expecting the worst.

Instead, all she can do is stare.

The tattoo is placed just under her left collarbone, the skin around it tinged with red. But the red isn’t enough to distract from the three words written in flowing black script; still I rise.

She stares and she stares, and her eyes flick to Harry at several points, who is starting to look nervous.

“Obviously if you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep it,” he awkwardly says as Uma continues to stare at her tattoo. “You could always cover it up with makeup – or use Harriet’s tattoo remover, but I do have to warn you that it’s still liable to take a chunk out of your skin—”

Uma cuts him off with a simple, “Shut up, Harry,” and brings his mouth down to hers.

Harry is stunned for a second, but then tangles his hand in her hair and pulls her closer to him.

His lips are warm and chapped and all Uma can focus on is kissing him breathless because god, her boy is fucking _amazing_ —

The door to the parlor slams and Uma and Harry practically jump apart. Harry’s eyes are dilated and he’s breathing hard, but Uma is also trying to catch her breath.

She just kissed Harry.

She just kissed her best friend.

FuckfuckfuckohshitohshitFUCK.

“I gotta go,” she blurts out, but Harry’s staring at her with his stupid blue eyes and his stupid feelings are going to get hurt if she does this wrong so she just keeps talking. “Not because of you. Because Desiree asked me. She told me to come over to the house as soon as we finished with the tattoo because of . . . babysitting. Yeah, she wants me to babysit tonight, so I really have to go, right now, because otherwise she might just abandon them to go have sex with Marya, am I right?”

Now Harry is looking at her like she’s just announced that she wants to become a pretty, pretty princess and Uma has to get out of here as fast as possible.

“Anyways, gotta go,” she rises up from the chair, kisses his cheek (what the HELL is she doing?) and practically races out of the tattoo parlor, leaving Harry staring after her bewilderedly, his lips still tingling.

_Well, bloody hell._


End file.
